


The not-a-crush thingy

by Anonymous



Category: ENHYPEN (Band), I-LAND (Korea TV), 엔하이픈 | Enhypen
Genre: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Anyway! Read!, Gen, Happy K Day! (10/20/2020), I don't know where it came from, Just like I-LAND Ep1 Jay I swear I'm a trustworthy person!, No beta we just die out there, Pls someone make it make sense, So many soldiers analogy :')), There's nothing weird happening, This is all told from Sunghoon's p.o.v, Why do I post this nonsense?!, no beta we die like men, you'll see if you read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:41:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27129404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: No, no, but you don't understand. Sunghoon doesn't want feelings. So he'll just shove those deep deep down and maybe he'll die because of them, who knows? Nobody! And that's perfect because those feelings have no business existing! Thank you very much for coming to this TED talk. Take one of Yoonwon's macarons on the way out and keep walking. Nothing to see here.
Relationships: Ahahahah read to find out UwU
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33
Collections: Anonymous





	The not-a-crush thingy

**Author's Note:**

> Warning as you proceed forward : Nothing makes sense but isn't it so great?

_At first, it's all very unimportant to him too._ Well, maybe not unimportant, but hardly worth giving a second thought to, really. It's all very inconsequential. Not unwelcomed because he probably initiates their first hug upon seeing the other enter the rehearsal room. It's relief really, to have such a team when the performance is going to be so choreo heavy. So of course, Sunghoon hugs away, glad not to have been chosen by Sunoo to perform an overly cute and bubbly song. Charisma, he can handle a lot better, he knows it. And with such a team? They'll definitely bring those flames on the stage. Pun intended. So the first hug, he doesn't think about. By now, they're all friends, and it's more circumstances induced than a deliberate act to reflect upon. 

_Then_ , comes the pillow incident. Well, it's not an incident. But it's a memorable instance of sorts? Team Flame On is gathered in the former break room now turned into a rehearsal one for singing. And it's fun. A lot funnier than Sunghoon would have expected. Then again, he had never been leader before so he didn't really expect much. However, his teammates are so perfect for this song? It's like pure alchemy. They mesh well. The maknaes have isolated on a couch, Daniel giving pointers to Niki as they go through the song, even giving explanations full of imageries to make it easier to understand. And it's soft and precious and before he even knew, Sunghoon was grinning at the two. Then he turns to his left and and finds Jay hunched over Hanbin's partitions, very seriously explaining for a second before their hyung giggles over the shared notes. And that, was precious too judging by the way Kei was fondly looking at the two. While he observed K, Sunghoon wondered if that was what being a leader was about. The sense of pride upon achieving a unity amongst members. And K nodded, like he could read Sunghoon's mind. They're really going to put on a great performance. Sunghoon figured that out the moment when the rehearsal room turned into an improvised dance floor as lyrics were yelled at the top of their lungs. But then, one might wonder, what about the pillow incident? Ah, well, it's as stupid as a pillow being slipped behind his back so he can resettle comfortably when they go back to their seats post jamming to the song. Not worth much of a second thought, right?

 _Finally_ , he can admit to himself that he's thinking about that one. A lot. It's barely an embrace. Something akin to a fleeting touch, really. But it's comfort. And it's arms wrapped around him before attempting to clean the mess made by Sunoo whose spilled his glass of soda. And quite frankly it's ridiculous just how much Sunghoon thinks about it. He can't tell if he craves because he's finally had a proper, unprompted sample or because all he's had, is, a sample. But it's a new person entering his private space without it feeling like an intrusion. And it's unexpected despite not being entirely foreign. He's just usually not that comfortable with others initiating the touching. Unless it's Jake, of course. But it's not Jake on that particular instance and it feels as welcomed as the proximity he shares with the aussie boy. So what does that say huh? WHAT DOES IT SAY? 

Groaning, the male throws his head back and runs his fingers through his hair. This isn't helping whatsoever. Hands clasped on his shoulders, and he Sunghoon reopens his eyes to find K smiling down at him. "Wanna talk about it?" He asks, gently. And no. Really not. Because it's awkward as hell. Especially with K. So Sunghoon shakes his head and grins. "Cute." The eldest hyung still on I-Land indulges. "But you know that eventually you have to express your emotions, right?"

"You just want to see me cry so Daniel can record it." Sunghoon retorts, with ease. And K fondly shakes his head, rolling his eyes. Emotions? Where? The fuck? What is that? If it can't get him to debut, it's useless. Ergo, currently, emotions are useless.

"I'll get you to open to me, eventually." Kei says.

Sunghoon's brows crease. "I have." He lets out, low and a little careful. Of course he's opened up to K. He's like a big brother to them all here. Was it not obvious? What else is he doing wrong these days? The track of thoughts is stopped by Sunghoon's mind short-circuiting upon seeing what can only be described as the softest smile gradually carve itself on Kei's features. The kind of smile that's really reflected in the eyes, a telltale glint in the dark orbs. And it's directed at him. Not Niki. Not Jay. Which pretty much are Kei's remaining sons now that Ta-Ki is gone. Just him and nobody else. Sunghoon swallows, great, more feelings.

It's not a crush, mind you. He knows the difference since he might be nursing a crush on— Hold a damn second. No. No crush. No frickin feelings. What he feels for K is a deep sense of having a shared fate, an envy even, to have a joint future. The blood of the coven is thicker than the water of the womb. And they've bled plenty beside one another by now. This whole show is a war of sorts. There's always some personal loss to suffer, no matter if you are victorious or not. You bleed for others because they once bled beside you. Those are the rules. And with everyone person that leaves comes the reminder that you could be next or see someone else you care for leave. And it's mentally just as exhausting as physical training is.

"Yo, what are you guys up to?" Jay asks, entering the kitchen. "We've been waiting on the two of you to rehearse."

"Ah right!" Kei exclaims. "That's why I came." He gives Sunghoon's shoulders a light squeeze before letting go. "Come on." Sunghoon nods and stands, ready to follow his two hyungs back into the practice room. It's the last week after all. They have to give their best performance. Their future _literally_ depend on it.

_It's over. It's over and he actually made it._

Park Sunghoon is officially a member of Enhypen. It's out for the world to know. He can't really breathe. But Jay is squeezing him so hard that he thinks it might be due to that more than the news. Sunghoon is happy. He's sure he is, somewhat. His brows crease. Somewhat? This is it, this is the realization of his dreams. This is his work paying off. His eyes still search for particular faces amongst the crowd. Daniel. K. Hanbin. Taki. Geonu. It's their dream too. In fact it's the dream of everyone on that damn stage. It's the dream of Seon who is desperately holding onto Heeseung, crying as if he'd just won himself. It's the dream of Taki who has literally jumped into Niki's arm to congratulate him. It's the dream Jaebom who cannot stop to shake Sunoo's shoulders. Jay finally lets go, Sunghoon tries to offer his best smile. Jay too. But there are tears there. Fresh tears. Tears that so easily spill as a figure approach the too. It's Kei. Sunghoon can tell by the way Jay's face just break despite what his suspects are arms open wide for him. Sunghoon nods and steps aside, allowing for the two to meet. He stumbles a few step, caught by a grinning Euijoo. "Hey, is fame making you dizzy already?"

Sunghoon chuckles. It's a little hollow and wet. EJ giggles and cups his face, easily wiping away tears that roll down. "You did it." And Sunghoon lets out a breath he didn't knew he'd been holding, hiccuping his way through a giggle. EJ pulls him close. It almost feels fine. It will feel good. Later. He knows. For now it's so fresh yet so incredibly bittersweet. He hadn't expected to be number six. He hadn't expected to be any number once they'd made it past the top five frankly. Not with K and Sunoo beside him.

_Oh but Daniel..._

Sunghoon searches for their maknae. And finds him in Niki's arms. And he's crouched, facing away. But judging by the way tears spill on Niki's cheeks, Daniel is congratulating him. And it fucking sucks that congratulations sounds so much like 'I'm not mad you made it instead of me.' It shouldn't. They're children. Eventually they part, and unable to look away, Sunghoon watches as Daniel literally comforts a winner when he's actually lost. The blood of the coven is very thick. So much that even when you're the one having a serious haemorrhage, you'd still try to stop someone else's bleeding.

Sunghoon wonders when ' _I'm sorry to be this happy_ ' turns into ' _I'm happy._ ' Plain and simple. Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully, tomorrow.

He indulges Hanbin as the other throws his arms around him and whispers comforting words of congratulations. It's the soothing tone that does him in. So Sunghoon closes his eyes and cries. Yeah, he's a victor that needs to be comforted too apparently. Hanbin seems to understand, because one of his hand moves to cradle the back of Sunghoon's head as the other rubs soothing circle on the kid's back.

Congratu- _fucking_ -lations.

_Enhypen-imnida._

_엔하이픈 입니다._

_We are, Enhypen_.

_Now it does feel good._

It's just the seven of them now. Enough for the guilt to recede and turn into truly enjoying the ride. It is a pretty enjoyable ride. More bumpy than a rollercoaster, mind you. But it's also sweeter than the honey Jay chugs when he's stressing. It's all good now. They're in their bubble, and it feels safe. Sunghoon breathes better when it's like this. He hadn't realized how much he needed friend who understood him that well until he got them.

He also hadn't realized just how close Jake and Ni-Ki, ah yes, it's Ni-Ki now, he hadn't realized just how close Jake and Ni-Ki were until it's hard not to notice. Oh, he heard about Sunki, from Sunoo himself. But people fail to remember that Jake and Ni-Ki spent most of their nights in part two together and had deep talks about their feelings over breakfast regularly. Sunghoon hadn't fully grasped it either, to be honest. But he's spending an increasing amount of time with Heeseung and when you observe from the sidelines instead of as an actor, you see. And what he sees, is that Jake isn't just the other part of their duo. Jake is actively deepening his bonds with others. While he, hasn't changed his ways. Sunghoon is a sun, he's never had to try to move towards others to attract them. He just does. People are drawn to his aura. But no matter how attractive the sun might be to the other celestial bodies, they still keep a certain distance. And he doesn't want that. He wants proximity and affection too. He just doesn't know how to ask. Or how to get it without asking. 

The not-a-crush comes back full force eventually. It's another meaningless instance. He's showed up unannounced for their V-live to have his profile done too. And he's trying really hard not to get offended at the fact that Jay doesn't remember his birthday when Ni-Ki comes through with the date. Which shouldn't have been nearly as much of a surprise as it was seen that their birthdays were literally a day apart. Even in terms of day, Sunghoon is born first. Ah. But the fact remains, that he knows, but most importantly, Ni-Ki knows. Even though he's fairly sure this isn't a conversation they've had. 

Those meaningless instances he over reads into are growing increasingly ridiculous now. He's reaching so hard it's figuratively becoming physically painful. _He's sure Jay would have a field day with that one._ That's why Sunghoon has been trying his best to keep out of Ni-Ki's way. It's not that hard, they were never particularly close. He's not sad about that particular fact. Not when he's trying to get rid of a dumb crush. But how do you kill a feeling? Especially a fairly unexplainable one. No, but really. It should've been Jake. It could've been Heeseung or Jay. And frankly, had it been Sunoo he wouldn't have been too surprised either. But that one is so left field he didn't see it coming. It's like being struck by lightening on a sunny day, highly improbable and fairly hard to explain. But it's in him now, the little flame dangerously oscillating as he desperately tries to snuffle it. He wish he could just blow on it, and as the same time knows, he doesn't truly want it to be smothered. He likes the fact that watching someone exist besides you is serotonin inducing all on its own. He likes how giddy it makes him to just watch Ni-Ki breeze through a split when he fails a third juggle for a game at Chuseok. And all things considered, it's an easy crush. Because there's really so little to it that it'll easily fade off unnoticed by most. 

_Or so Sunghoon thinks._

But that's when the Jakeki bond comes to bite him in the ass. Because it appears Sunghoon's Jake time now has to sometimes be shared with Ni-Ki. And it really shouldn't be a bother. It's not. And it is, at the same time. The jury's still out on that one. On one side, well, the former ice skater gets to see a lot more of affectionate Ni-Ki, which is cute. On the other, he gets to see a lot more of affectionate Ni-Ki, which is cute. But that is not helping with the not-a-crush situation. Or with Sunghoon's own frustration regarding the part where said affection isn't particularly directed to him. It extends, of course, on a couple of occasions like team games or hello hugs. But it's not quite what he wants. Not that he knows, what he wants. And wouldn't everything be so much simpler if he did? 

_Xx_

Ni-Ki is carrying grocery bags. Which, why? But, mostly, Ni-Ki is carrying several grocery bags. So being a decent person, Sunghoon approaches the other, holds a hand out and says: "here, let me—" Effortlessly, Ni-Ki shifts all the grocery bags to one hand and simply takes Sunghoon's hand in his. "That's not what I was going for." He points out, fairly confused. Handholding had never come up before. 

"Yeah, well," The maknae shrugs. "Now you just have to commit to it." He offers in lieu of a real reply, quasi dragging a confused Sunghoon towards the car here to pick them up. Well, technically, it's here to pick Ni-Ki up. Sunghoon was in said car, much like Jungwon who'd been napping since they made their way back from school.

"What's in there anyway? Did Jay give you a list?" Sunghoon questions, eyes falling on the telltale white plastic with a tinge of judgement.

"No." Ni-Ki chooses to reply. "And stop glaring at them." He asks, before offering a nod to their driver and getting into the car.

"Gosh, you're pretty annoying for someone I came to help." Sunghoon says, purposefully getting in the seat right behind his interlocutor. "Aren't you supposed to be rehearsing with the others anyway?"

"If you must know, I already nailed the choreography and apparently me doing tiktok challenges is distracting." Ni-Ki replies. "When it's Sunoo it's cute but when I try to do the Dawndididawn challenge it's stomping around like a baby elephant."

Sunghoon narrows his eyes. "You're a classically trained dancer, you don't stomp."

Ni-Ki's lips curl up. "Huh... Right." He agrees. "I don't accidentally stomp."

Sunghoon sighs deeply, leaning back into his seat. "Again, our outings being controlled is a matter of safety and you wandering around on your own is giving white hair to many people."

"Yeah, well I lived alone for a while. I'm not three. I don't need a babysitter. And nobody actually cares about me. So it's fine when I'm out without you guys." Ni-Ki frustratedly replies.

Sunghoon's brow creases as he sits up straighter. "What? What did you just say?" He asks, for clarification. Because there's no way the other meant what he'd heard.

Ni-Ki sighs. "I said that when it's me on my own, I go unnoticed."

"No." The former ice skater replies, shaking his head. "That's not quite what you said." He draws in a breath, gaze turning to the window. "You said that nobody cared about you..." Now, this is offensively wrong. To many people. Irregardless of the not-a-crush situation. 

"I didn't mean to include the group. Of course I know you guys care about me. And I have my family too." The youngest member elaborates. "And my friends. And some fans as well. I know that. I didn't think this one through. It just slipped out." He's met with silence. And it's heavier than a loaded conversation. But Ni-Ki doesn't feel like giving more explanations currently. Or ushering out more desperate apologies. He shouldn't have to. His thoughts are valid. If not poorly expressed. If his hyung wants to take it as a personal offense, so be it. Squeezing his eyes shut, the male leans back into his seat and wishes for the ride to be short.

Sunghoon isn't mad. Or at least not at Ni-Ki. He's not stupid, he knows there's something there. That Freudian slip is probably the consequence of the recent incident. It must take a toll to be pushed aside so that ' _fans_ ' can get to other members. But aside from Sunoo, nobody really got to talk about that with Ni-Ki. He always dismisses it or say that it's fine and forgotten. But he's less out there, more exposure shy. Jake got a bit more, allowed to peer through the cracks one night. But he didn't get to truly see, just a quick glance. It left him even more frustrated to know there was something there but he wouldn't get to address it.

Perhaps Sunghoon should enroll Jay into eavesdropping on Ni-Ki's conversations with Kei. They facetime once every few days and it leaves Ni-Ki a little out of it for a bit. Drained but also lighter in the expression, brighter. It's annoying not to know, Sunghoon decides. And huffs loudly in frustration. Then let's his head fall against the window, watching the skyline shift with clear boredom.

_Xx_

_He's about had it._

They're the two left in the repetition room and Ni-Ki still hasn't said a word to him past 'stop making your moves so sharp, make them rounder and wider.' which had been helpful feedback but still felt a little dry when it was clinically delivered by someone who wouldn't even make eye contact. 

Sunghoon sighs deeply as he watches Ni-Ki's reflection go through the moves again. He's hyper focused in a eerily quiet sort of way. It's his own universe. And for some reason, the former ice skater wants in. He wants to know what goes on in his teammate's head. He wants the other to talk to him about his worries too, not just about his latest highest score at Geometry Dash. Which, who still plays Geometry Dash in 2020? But that's a question for an instance where Sunghoon isn't trying to have his first heart to heart with someone he's willingly kept some distance with for the past weeks. "Can you stop pushing me away for a minute and pretend we're close friends?" Like you and Jake was implied.

Ni-Ki pauses, brows creasing as he searches for Sunghoon's gaze in the mirror in front of him. "Pretend?" He asks after a visible swallow, genuinely taken aback.

Sunghoon's eyes widen in distress upon realizing just how misleading the sentence could be. "I mean..."

Ni-Ki shakes his head. "No, no. It's okay. You have every right to decide who you're friend with and if you feel closer to some than others. We don't have to be super close, we can be work friends." He nods, trying to convince himself. "I'll figure this out. I... Sorry. I need to go." With those words and before Sunghoon could try to fix it, Ni-Ki turns away and leaves.

Sunghoon sighs deeply. Oh this went fantastically. Surely Ni-Ki has now understood just how much he meant to him. It was very clear from the blurting out that they weren't real friends.

_Xx_

"Do you, maybe, want to prove that you've opened up to me today?" Sunghoon's eyes fall shut upon recognizing the voice on the other side of the phone. "I'm not going to force you to, but I got a couple calls today and figured maybe you could use one too?"

"I didn't mean it." The Enhypen member replies to K, glad the other doesn't sound mad. Well, nobody had sounded really mad. But Sunoo was giving him the stink eye and the 02' line had ganged up on him to deliver a very understanding speech about how you don't have to be friends with everyone but maybe he should try to discover more of Ni-Ki before deciding if they really are incompatible.

"Yeah I know." The older hyung replied.

"How?" Sunghoon asked.

"I know you. You don't really pretend well. We were all friends in there, we still are. Proof being, I am calling you, am I not?" Sunghoon silently nods, grateful but unable to actually express just how much with words. He knows Kei can't see, but K is intuitive enough. "So why did you say what you did?" He eventually asks.

"I just wanted him to open up to me." Sunghoon replied. "Like he does with you and Sunoo and even Jake!" 

K snorts. "Opening up is a bit exaggerated in my case. He mostly calls to complain in japanese and ask about what I'm up to. It's nothing special, you know."

"Well it feels like it." Sunghoon frustratedly grumbles.

"It only does because you've been keeping him out. You're not particularly close you two, are you? I ask because Ni-Ki says you don't really seem interested in what he does so he tries to stay out of your way. Though it's in flux, sometimes he's very hellbent on becoming your friend other times he thinks he's doing too much and you need a breather."

"Really?" Sunghoon wonders, taken aback by the discovery.

"Oh yeah. Who still plays Geometry Dash in 2020? He's on that thing because you and Jake have finished it and you give him thumbs up when he beats a new level." Grand. More informations Sunghoon has no idea how to deal with and certain not helping his not-a-crush thing. "Hello? You still here?"

"Ah, dae. Sorry hyung." 

"It's alright. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You are, right?" K asks.

"I am, thank you for still worrying about us like you do." Sunghoon replies.

"Of course, you're all my baby brothers now. We don't stop being family because we don't see each other." 

_And a crush doesn't magically stop being one because you pretend it isn't._

"Thanks again. I think I have to go." Sunghoon says. 

"Alright. Eat well and try to rest." K ends with final recommendations before letting out a "bye." reciprocated by Sunghoon before he hangs up.

_Xx_

"It's awkwarrdd..." Jungwon whispers gaze focused on the food in front of him. Dinner is so silent that everybody hears the remark.

"Yeah, and whose fault is that?" Sunoo asks, louder as he pushes the food around his plate with a fork.

"Nobody's." Heeseung replies. "We are not doing that. There's no side to take here."

"Clearly not." Jay agrees. "We're all on one side."

Ni-Ki hums along, giving small nods. "We're all friends."

"And we're also a united team." Jake adds on. " _Enhypen. Seven lights that were shining alone discover each other and grow together. This is us_." 

"Oh come on, can we tone down with how dramatic all this is?" Ni-Ki asks. "It's my bad for talking about it in the first place, it's not a big deal. Can we move on now, please?" 

"It's not your fault Sunghoon is just pretending to be your friend." Sunoo replies.

"He never said that." Jake replies.

"Can we not do the 'he said' thing with someone that's in the room?" Jungwon asks.

"Can we just not do any of this. It is not a big deal." Ni-Ki repeats. "All of us are closer to some others. Heeseung and Jungwon hyungs. Jake and Sunghoon hyungs. Sunoo hyung and I. We all have bonds deeper with some than others. It's a reality. It doesn't harm anyone to admit it. Can we be grown ups about it and move on?"

"Well," Sunghoon clears his throat. "full disclosure since that's apparently required, I do not pretend to be friends with anyone. I'm shit at pretending and I don't do things I don't want to do." He clarifies. "It's just earlier today Ni-Ki made a remark that worried me and I wanted him to open up to me so I said 'Can you stop pushing me away for a minute and pretend we're close friends?' and I get that it can be poorly interpreted but," He turned to Ni-Ki. "we're not super close and I just wanted you to talk freely like you would with Jake or K hyung. I wanted you to pretend we shared the same bond as you do with one of them if it was what it took for you to open up. I'm sorry it came off wrong but you didn't give me time to explain."

"I ran off because I was sad." Ni-Ki admits. "It's always one step forward three steps back with you. One second we were holding hands the next you're mad at me for expressing what I feel. I don't get how I'm supposed to be with you to be your friend."

"Just be you." Sunghoon replies. 

Sunoo's brows crease. "Is it just me or does it feel so much like--" "a couple dispute? I get that vibe too." Jay admits.

"Oh you guys didn't know?" Heeseung asks. "Sunghoon has had a crush for a while." Which he hadn't told Heeseung about and thought he was very good at dissimulating. 

"What? I thought Ni-Ki was the one with the crush?" Jungwon asks, getting several shocked gaze. "What? It's obvious. Nobody plays that much Geometry Dash without smashing their phone if they don't have a goal in mind. Not unless they're insane."

_Was the Geometry Dash thing that obvious to anyone but him?_

_Hold on, did Jungwon just imply..._ Sunghoon turned to Ni-Ki, to find him already looking in his direction, a faint blush darkening his cheeks. 

"Ugh yes finally, Jakehoon time is back on track baby!" Jake happily declared. 

"What?" Sunghoon asks, turning to face him.

"Please, do you think he tags along when you're with me because he loves me that much? Ni-ki and I spend a lot of time together already, I know my son, he doesn't stick around us for me." Jake explains.

"And you didn't tell me?" Sunghoon asks, through dangerously gritted teeth.

"Well it wasn't my place to, was it? Best friend, son," He says, in a perfect re-enactment of a Troy Bolton meme. "son, best friend. Both important. Thus crushes are none of my business." He says and shrugs. 

"Crushes? Hold on, you knew for the both of us?" It's now Ni-Ki's turn to ask, eyes narrowed as they zero on his hyung.

Jake clears his throat. "Well, I mean," He slips a little from his chair, a foot turned away already as he prepares himself for a possible escape. "I suspected it."

Ni-Ki and Sunghoon turn to one another. "He should run?" The dance prodigy inquires.

"Yeah, he should run." Sunghoon agrees. And turns to Jake. "Five seconds head start sounds fair. Run." 

"Scram boy," Jay adds on as Sunoo whips out his phone. "scram."


End file.
